Closure is an important part of any relationship that ends. It is important for peace of mind as well as figuring out what happened, so you aren’t doom to make a mistake that brings you pain in your next relationship. Conscious closure doesn’t just involve a goodbye to the other person, whether in person, a phone call or a letter. It involves your own homework: thinking and analyzing what happened and how you move on in your life — not just to another person, but to another level in your own evolution.
Here are 5 Tips to help you find closure after a relationship is over.
1. Define eyour loose ends. What is it that lingers in you that prevents you from moving on? What residual emotions are still tying you to this person? Usually it’s some form of anger or guilt – anger over what a person did to you, and you don’t feel they were held accountable to it, or guilt over what you did (or didn’t do) to (or for) someone else, and your resulting sense of regret.
2. Forgive. The fastest way to free yourself from an enemy and all associated negativity is to forgive. Untie the bindings and loose yourself from that person’s ugliness. Your hatred has tied you to the person responsible for your pain. Your forgiveness enables you to start walking away from him or her and the pain. When your enemy and his or her evil actions come to mind, send him or her a blessing. Hope the best for him or her. The first 15 – or 150 – times you try this, the “blessing” may feel contrived, empty, and even hypocritical but keep trying. Eventually, it will become a new habit and soon thereafter, the anger and pain that has burned in your heart will evaporate.
3. Apologize. If you feel guilt or shame, if you are the one who needs forgiveness, then apologize. But it’s not as simple as saying or thinking “I’m sorry.” Grab a pen and paper and write a full-blown apology, keeping the following in mind:
* There is no excuse. Do not try to think of or offer one. An apology with an excuse is not an apology. Take full responsibility for what you did.
* Make it a point to avoid using the word “but”. (“I am sorry, but…” means “I am not sorry.”)
* Do not say “I’m sorry you feel that way” or “I’m sorry if you were offended” –it makes it seem like you are blaming the other person for feeling a certain way, and is not a real apology.
* Think about what caused you to make the offense. Find the underlying problem, describe it to the person (as an explanation, not an excuse), and tell them what you intend to do to rectify that problem so that you can avoid this mistake in the future.
4. Have a symbolic ceremony. People still hold funerals for the deceased whose bodies were never found, and you can still have a formal way to say goodbye to relationships that were never resolved. Gather all of the things that remind you of this person and burn them, or donate them to charity. Give a eulogy to the relationship, and say it out loud.
5. Begin a new chapter. You’ll never be able to erase your memory of this person, but you can use the experience to better yourself and to help others. If you wronged someone, resolve never to make the same mistake again, and take it a step further: help others avoid making the same mistake you did. If you were a victim, reach out to other victims, and teach others how to avoid the wrongdoing that you faced. Make the end of your relationship with that person a turning point in your life. Start moving in a new direction.
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