Realistic Expectations

Many people are looking for someone who they can start a lasting and successful relationship with. However, as most of us have experienced, even the most outwardly perfect relationship can turn sour fairly quickly; in turn our expectations are often crushed.

Let’s focus on the time when people first meet each other and start to become involved in a relationship.

The first mistake you can make when entering a relationship is to have ridiculously high expectations of the other. It’s perfectly normal to have fantasies about your ideal woman or knight in shining armor, but unfortunately that exact person will not exist outside of your mind. Partners may come close, but your conception of the ideal person will always be too lofty to comprehensively describe someone in the real world. There are a number of damaging things that can occur if you let your ideas of who the person SHOULD be take control of your actions.

The purpose of realistic expectations is to build a successful relationship one day at a time. You may find that this particular person isn’t even your type, and if you take things slow then it will make ending the relationship much easier if it must happen. More importantly however, if the person is right for you, you will give enough time and space for both of you to make informed decisions about your feelings. Take time to have fun and get to know the person. Just be yourself, stay laid back, and let things unfold as they will. If it’s a relationship that is meant to last, it will. Just remember that realistic expectations are the key to a successful relationship.

Your relationship expectations are probably reasonable if…

•A spark of some sort is required, whether it’s mental, physical or emotional;

•You want someone who finds you amusing, adorable, and/or exciting;

•You are holding out for someone whose basic views on the world are similar, but not necessarily identical to yours; and/or

•Someone with the same willingness to be in a relationship and with similar long-term dating goals, whether that’s for casual dating, or a committed marriage.

So what are you to do if you don’t know what your expectations for a relationship are – or worse – some of your expectations fall into the no-no category?

Brainstorm Your Relationship Expectations

Take a moment and brainstorm on paper for a little bit; ten or fifteen minutes should do the trick nicely. Close your eyes and picture your ideal mate: what talents, qualities, personality traits, experiences and emotional capabilities do you want him or her to have? Don’t censor yourself, and let your mind wander to wherever it goes. If you’re having a hard time coming up with some ideas, think about your past relationships and use their positive aspects as your starting guide.

Next, write the number one next to all of the items you wrote that you feel are essential to your happiness, and a two next to the items that would be nice, but not necessary.

Take all of the items marked with the number one, and list them in your own order of importance on a separate sheet of paper.

Look at your top five items. These are the expectations you have for a quality relationship that you should never compromise on. Therefore, if you meet someone who you are extremely attracted to, but doesn’t have all five of the items you’ve listed on your must-have list – it’s time to move on.

Having realistic expectations for others involves realizing that all of us are less than perfect. Instead of looking to others to meet our needs, we must take responsibility for our own life and make necessary changes that are in our best interest. We must leave our self-blame behind and find ways to untwist our thinking and behavior to make our lives more fulfilling. It is important to value and accept our partners and friends for who they are. It is in our best interest not to spend our energy trying to change them to fit an image of what we believe we need and what they can provide for us.

RELATIONSHIP TALK

Once you have taken the time to realize your realistic expectations, know that over time they may change.  As you evolve as an individual, your expectations may shift.  It is good to check-in with yourself and do this exercise as often as you feel it is necessary.