Closure in Relationships

 Closure is an important part of any relationship that ends. It is important for peace of mind as well as figuring out what happened, so you aren’t doom to make a mistake that brings you pain in your next relationship. Conscious closure doesn’t just involve a goodbye to the other person, whether in person, a phone call or a letter. It involves your own homework: thinking and analyzing what happened and how you move on in your life — not just to another person, but to another level in your own evolution.

  Here are 5 Tips to help you find closure after a relationship is over.
1. Define eyour loose ends. What is it that lingers in you that prevents you from moving on? What residual emotions are still tying you to this person? Usually it’s some form of anger or guilt – anger over what a person did to you, and you don’t feel they were held accountable to it, or guilt over what you did (or didn’t do) to (or for) someone else, and your resulting sense of regret.

2. Forgive. The fastest way to free yourself from an enemy and all associated negativity is to forgive. Untie the bindings and loose yourself from that person’s ugliness. Your hatred has tied you to the person responsible for your pain. Your forgiveness enables you to start walking away from him or her and the pain. When your enemy and his or her evil actions come to mind, send him or her a blessing. Hope the best for him or her. The first 15 – or 150 – times you try this, the “blessing” may feel contrived, empty, and even hypocritical but keep trying. Eventually, it will become a new habit and soon thereafter, the anger and pain that has burned in your heart will evaporate.

3. Apologize. If you feel guilt or shame, if you are the one who needs forgiveness, then apologize. But it’s not as simple as saying or thinking “I’m sorry.” Grab a pen and paper and write a full-blown apology, keeping the following in mind:

* There is no excuse. Do not try to think of or offer one. An apology with an excuse is not an apology. Take full responsibility for what you did.
* Make it a point to avoid using the word “but”. (“I am sorry, but…” means “I am not sorry.”)
* Do not say “I’m sorry you feel that way” or “I’m sorry if you were offended” –it makes it seem like you are blaming the other person for feeling a certain way, and is not a real apology.

* Think about what caused you to make the offense. Find the underlying problem, describe it to the person (as an explanation, not an excuse), and tell them what you intend to do to rectify that problem so that you can avoid this mistake in the future.

4. Have a symbolic ceremony. People still hold funerals for the deceased whose bodies were never found, and you can still have a formal way to say goodbye to relationships that were never resolved. Gather all of the things that remind you of this person and burn them, or donate them to charity. Give a eulogy to the relationship, and say it out loud.

5. Begin a new chapter. You’ll never be able to erase your memory of this person, but you can use the experience to better yourself and to help others. If you wronged someone, resolve never to make the same mistake again, and take it a step further: help others avoid making the same mistake you did. If you were a victim, reach out to other victims, and teach others how to avoid the wrongdoing that you faced. Make the end of your relationship with that person a turning point in your life. Start moving in a new direction.

Dealing with Rejection in Relationships

Many people feel really bad when they experience rejection in a job, a relationship or anywhere else.

The main reason some people feel bad when someone rejects them is that they don’t know how to deal with rejection the right way. Ever wondered why can two different people experience the same rejection yet one of them feels bad about it and the other moves on?

It’s because one of them dealt with the rejection properly while the other didn’t. I’m going to tell you about the right way to deal with rejection so that you don’t feel that bad when someone rejects you.

How to deal with rejection in a relationship, a job or in life

This is why rejections hurt:

Rejections and not being sure of yourself: if somebody applied for a job and was rejected then one of the reasons that could be making him feel bad is not being sure whether his skills are good or not. The same thing happens in rejections that happen in relationships, after being rejected in a relationship the person feels bad because of many reasons and usually one of them is having self -doubt.

Dealing with rejection in relationships

I always get e- mails from people asking me how to deal with rejection from a guy or how to deal with rejection from women. Based on these facts I came up with few steps that can help you get over rejections in relationships.

The first thing you must do to deal with a relationship rejection is to make sure that your self -esteem and your emotional wounds were not the reason behind your bad feelings. If you found the problem with them then you must work on improving your self- esteem.

Develop and maintain boundaries to deal with rejection in a relationship. Boundaries are the emotional and psychological strictures needed to support and maintain proper mature, adult relationships. Boundaries and strictures refer to the state of being grown up and mature.

Communicate to deal with rejection in a relationship. Talk to the significant other in the relationship to work out the challenges and problems (if they can be worked out) related to the rejection. Talk with friends, coworkers and others that you trust. It helps to talk about challenges, especially rejection

Dealing with rejection in a job

Whether you are trying to find a job or whether you are a sales woman who is experiencing rejection you must understand the following fact:

Rejection is a must:  No successful person has ever become successful before facing numerous rejections in his job, career or business. In order to deal with rejection in your job or business read about the life stories of successful people. Each rejection you get might be a signal that you need to change something about your approach. If each time you got rejected you learned a lesson you will soon become very successful.

Final words about dealing with rejection

As you see there are many reasons that could make rejection hurt, and the key to getting over rejection faster is to get a better self -understanding so that you know how to target the right cause.

Live with an Open Heart by Guest Blog Writer, Sandy Myers CPC

  I met my husband right before I turned 30 years old. The journey to find love took  a LONG time, but well worth the wait. I had a lot of fear and trust issues due to the pain of unresolved issues from the past. My mind was toxic and I felt stuck in a rut in the relationship department. Why was I single? Singleness is not a curse, by any means, but I longed for companionship. Why could I not believe love would find me? These painful areas of my life caused me to be narrow minded, blinded and jaded. My mentality leaked out into my attitude. It came out during “attempted” relationships and I quickly realized that these areas needed to be resolved. I looked for a relationship with the best intentions, in hopes of newness and romance, but my heart was closed. The key to my answer came in mastering the art of loving myself. I am not referring to prideful self-absorption, but a celebration of my worth and value, freedom from my past, and breaking away from a negative false sense of identity.

The past does not dictate your future. Past hurt or failed relationships do not have to be stumbling blocks. These “failures” or “disappointments” are simply avenues to healing and personal wholeness. There are certain seasons designed for introspection and personal encouragement. Your life at some point will demand you to opt out of living with a closed heart. Thriving is all about blooming and opening your heart to an exceptional life. I love the truth behind this quote: “And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom” – Anaïs Nin. Is it your season to ”Open Your Heart”?

Before the right person came into my life, I had to get things right within me. Insecurity often robbed me of opportunities to build healthy relationships with the opposite sex. No one would know how to show me love until I discovered my strengths and was open to the love I deserved. I read a FABULOUS book that changed my life back in 2007 entitled, “The Path”, by Laurie Beth Jones. This book helped me to embrace the mission of my life. The activities in the book allowed me to write about my character, along with qualities of my ideal relationship. This valuable reading taught me how to tap into faith and visualize the life God wanted for me. I wrote in a journal for days, and I got specific about the state of my heart. I dismissed the lies I embraced from my past, and my faith helped me to believe for more.

Six weeks later, by a miracle of God, I met Chad, and a year later I was married. There is no magic formula to marriage. I am not implying one. The principle I want to highlight is to open your heart to personal wholeness and let go of the past. Open your heart to faith, and allow God to show you His best intent for you.

Thriving Thought Awareness:

1. What is the current state of your heart? Is it open or closed?
2. Are you willing to invest a period of your time this year to do a heart inventory?  What are the roadblocks to believing for God’s best in your life?
3. What are the beautiful qualities about you? Please take time to brag about your strengths?
4. Do you have any negative views about the opposite sex? Those issues must also be resolved in order to live with an open heart.

 

Ecclesiates 3:11 ( NLT) “Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart…”

Sandy Myers, CPC is a Certified Professional Coach, Speaker,  and founder of Thrive Now Coaching. She specializes in helping women  align their lives to their purpose, promote self-awareness,  and gain  personal fulfillment in their current roles of influence.

She brings over 10 years of work experience in the areas of sales, counseling, coaching, and non-profit organization. Sandy is active leader at her church in Kissimmee, FL, and enjoys teaching and motivating people. She posts weekly articles and podcasts on her website, www.thrivenowcoaching.com.  Contact Sandy via her website for a FREE 30 min coaching consult.

The Dream Girl

The Dream Girl is a strong, secure, confident woman who knows exactly who she is and exactly what she wants.  The Dream Girl has taken time out of her life to spend some much needed quality time with herself, and the Lord. The Dream Girl has taken on the task of getting to know her better.  Although scary at first, she looks within to discover areas in her life that need to be fine-tuned, pruned and re-shaped.

You see, the Dream Girl wants to be a better woman, because she’s aware that as she focuses on herself, and becomes a whole woman, she will begin to attract the same whole man. That’s right! There is a process to being found by the man that has been set aside for you. It starts with YOU!  There are times when you are looking and focused so hard on where “he” is that you forget that it’s you that must clean up your act first in order to be ready for this man to enter your life

Sometimes you may wrestle with yourself and with God, trying to move ahead of him and his timing for your imminent destiny.  There is much work to be done to be a whole woman.  Today, begin embracing this magnificent process.  The time you have alone, and patiently wait to be found, it’s a time where you can begin to grow from the inside out. As you yield to the will of the Lord for your life, he will begin working on your character, emotions, spirituality, and your esteem.  Through growth, wisdom and being okay in your own skin, your heart is being prepared for the man who is on his way to you. This process has a purpose. The purpose is to make you more self-assured and positive of the amazing woman you are. 

Now you are ready! When the Lord presents your partner to you, you will be able to maintain who you are throughout your relationship with a man. You won’t lose your friends; you won’t give up your career or your hobbies. You will in fact, keep your edge, and have an enormous amount of self-respect. Due to this increased self-worth that exudes from you, your partner will notice these qualities about you and be drawn to you even more. Remember Dream Girl, The person who is least dependent on the outcome of the relationship will automatically draw the other person in.

Once you believe that you are an amazing woman and a phenomenal catch, the man that has been set aside for you will believe that same sentiment. Take another look within, you are being transformed into a Dream Girl.

15 Funny Facts about Love

Love is a many-splendored thing … and a very surprising thing, too. Here are15 funny little facts about love that I found interesting. Read them, scratch your head over them, and share them with someone you fancy.

1. Men who kiss their wives in the morning live five years longer than those who don’t.

2. People are more likely to tilt their heads to the right when kissing instead of the left (65 percent of people go to the right!)

3. Two-thirds of people report that they fall in love with someone they’ve known for some time vs. someone that they just met.

4. There’s a reason why office romances occur: The single biggest predictor of love is proximity.

5. Falling in love can induce a calming effect on the body and mind and raises levels of nerve growth factor for about a year, which helps to restore the nervous system and improves the lover’s memory.

6. Love can also exert the same stress on your body as deep fear. You see the same physiological responses — pupil dilation, sweaty palms, and increased heart rate.

7. Brain scans show that people who view photos of a beloved experience an activation of the caudate — the part of the brain involving cravings.

8. Eleven percent of women have gone online and done research on a person they were dating or were about to meet, versus seven percent of men.

9. Couples’ personalities converge over time to make partners more and more similar.

10. The tradition of the diamond engagement ring comes from Archduke Maximillian of Austria who, in the 15th century, gave a diamond ring to his fiancée, Mary of Burgundy.

11. Forty-three percent of women prefer their partners never sign “love” to a card unless they are ready for commitment.

12. People who are newly in love produce decreased levels of the hormone serotonin — as low as levels seen in people with obsessive-compulsive disorder. Perhaps that’s why it’s so easy to feel obsessed when you’re smitten.

13. According to mathematical theory, we should date a dozen people before choosing a long-term partner; that provides the best chance that you’ll make a love match.

14. Familiarity breeds comfort and closeness … and romance.

15. OK, this one may not surprise you, but I had to share it: Having a romantic relationship makes both genders happier. The stronger the commitment, the greater the happiness!

Love Yourself

 

We spend so much of our time waiting to be loved, hoping love will find us, searching, yearning for that special love and feeling empty and lost without it. Wanting someone to give us love and fill us up. Unfortunately, that’s not usually how life works. You will draw to you exactly what you create in life, and what you believe you are worthy of. So loving yourself can create love in your life. When you expect love from an external source and someone or something does not fulfill your void and fantasy’s, then you will feel worse than before.

Oscar Wilde once stated, “To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance.” Love is a mystery and not easily definable. However, it does have certain characteristics. Self-love is a consuming passion for your own happiness. It is an ongoing choice you make to be glad to alive, here on Earth, in your own body.

Self-love occurs when you decide who you are and what you want is important. It is an inner state of being which develops as you decide it is all right to build a kind, sensuous, and meaningful partnership with yourself. Self-love involves deciding to connect with your dreams and then supporting yourself with encouraging thoughts and empowering self-supportive actions.

Increasing your love of self involves an intention to become more self-loving and then following up this intention with reinforcing actions. An intention involves a conscious decision to be happier and more fulfilled in your own life. You make a new decision to be alive . . . and then accept personal responsibility to make your life a better, more enjoyable experience. It may take considerable effort to pry yourself out of a life that feels less than joyful, but it is entirely possible to have the kind of life you want for yourself. Below are some practical ideas of how to begin expanding your love of self:

Acknowledge and verbally praise yourself.
• Have fun more often.
• Learn new ways to relax and release tension.
• Practice conscious, deep, full-bodied breathing several times each day.
• Think inspiring thoughts.
• Instead of always focusing on the problem, decide to focus on desired outcomes.
• Fill your life with beauty, such as times of silence, beautiful music, flowers.
• Raise your confidence by taking daily small, achievable actions steps that support your goal.
• Acknowledge your efforts and your successes.
• Reward yourself daily.
• Listen to your intuition and then follow it.
• Let yourself succeed.
• Nurture yourself by imagining desired outcomes to life’s situations.
• Offer yourself affection in many, many different ways.
• Choose to think thoughts that bring inner peace (rather than worry).
• Remember and feel gratitude.

If you do not love and value yourself, no one in your life will ever provide the love you are seeking. Regard your life as valuable and important. Every individual has a unique message to deliver to others as part of God’s divine plan for each life. Learn to develop and strengthen your spiritual muscles so your view of you is the way our Heavenly Father looks at us.

Love is in the Air

 

It’s that time of the year when you can simply feel love in the air. Valentine’s Day is right around the corner.

It’s a wonderful time to celebrate “LOVE.” Whether you are single or in a relationship you can celebrate love.  When you give love, you receive more love in your life. Show love to your co-workers, friends, family and even strangers. Showing love will foster a spirit of love in the atmosphere and a feeling of bliss inside you.

Say it. When you say the words “I Love You”, they should carry with them the desire to show someone that you love them, not what you simply want to feel. When you say it, make sure you really mean it and are willing to do anything for that special person.

Empathize. Put yourself in someone else’s shoes. Rather than impose your own expectations or attempt to control them, to understand how they feel, where they come from, and who they are. Realize how they could also love you back just as well.

Love unconditionally. If you cannot love another person without attaching stipulations, then it is not love at all, but deep-seated opportunism (one who makes the most of an advantage, often unmindful of others). If your interest is not in the other person as such, but rather in how that person can enhance your experience of life, then it is not unconditional. If you have no intention of improving that person’s life, or allowing that person to be themselves and accepting them as they are, and not who you want them to be, then you are not striving to love them unconditionally.

Expect nothing in return. That doesn’t mean you should allow someone to mistreat or undervalue you. It means that giving love does not guarantee receiving love. Try loving just for the sake of love. Realize that someone may have a different way of showing his or her love for you; do not expect to be loved back in exactly the same way.

Realize it can be lost. If you realize that you can lose the one you love, then you have a greater appreciation of what you have. Think how blessed you are to have someone to love. Don’t make an idol of the person you love. This will place them under undue pressure and will likely result in you losing them.

Never stop loving. Even if you have been hurt before you should not stop giving love.

During this season of love, remind yourself of the importance of love. In 1 Corinthians 13:13 God instructs us to abide in faith, hope and love, but that love is the greatest of the three.

Make it a point to go out of your way to show love! It is the greatest gift you can give away.

Realistic Expectations

Many people are looking for someone who they can start a lasting and successful relationship with. However, as most of us have experienced, even the most outwardly perfect relationship can turn sour fairly quickly; in turn our expectations are often crushed.

Let’s focus on the time when people first meet each other and start to become involved in a relationship.

The first mistake you can make when entering a relationship is to have ridiculously high expectations of the other. It’s perfectly normal to have fantasies about your ideal woman or knight in shining armor, but unfortunately that exact person will not exist outside of your mind. Partners may come close, but your conception of the ideal person will always be too lofty to comprehensively describe someone in the real world. There are a number of damaging things that can occur if you let your ideas of who the person SHOULD be take control of your actions.

The purpose of realistic expectations is to build a successful relationship one day at a time. You may find that this particular person isn’t even your type, and if you take things slow then it will make ending the relationship much easier if it must happen. More importantly however, if the person is right for you, you will give enough time and space for both of you to make informed decisions about your feelings. Take time to have fun and get to know the person. Just be yourself, stay laid back, and let things unfold as they will. If it’s a relationship that is meant to last, it will. Just remember that realistic expectations are the key to a successful relationship.

Your relationship expectations are probably reasonable if…

•A spark of some sort is required, whether it’s mental, physical or emotional;

•You want someone who finds you amusing, adorable, and/or exciting;

•You are holding out for someone whose basic views on the world are similar, but not necessarily identical to yours; and/or

•Someone with the same willingness to be in a relationship and with similar long-term dating goals, whether that’s for casual dating, or a committed marriage.

So what are you to do if you don’t know what your expectations for a relationship are – or worse – some of your expectations fall into the no-no category?

Brainstorm Your Relationship Expectations

Take a moment and brainstorm on paper for a little bit; ten or fifteen minutes should do the trick nicely. Close your eyes and picture your ideal mate: what talents, qualities, personality traits, experiences and emotional capabilities do you want him or her to have? Don’t censor yourself, and let your mind wander to wherever it goes. If you’re having a hard time coming up with some ideas, think about your past relationships and use their positive aspects as your starting guide.

Next, write the number one next to all of the items you wrote that you feel are essential to your happiness, and a two next to the items that would be nice, but not necessary.

Take all of the items marked with the number one, and list them in your own order of importance on a separate sheet of paper.

Look at your top five items. These are the expectations you have for a quality relationship that you should never compromise on. Therefore, if you meet someone who you are extremely attracted to, but doesn’t have all five of the items you’ve listed on your must-have list – it’s time to move on.

Having realistic expectations for others involves realizing that all of us are less than perfect. Instead of looking to others to meet our needs, we must take responsibility for our own life and make necessary changes that are in our best interest. We must leave our self-blame behind and find ways to untwist our thinking and behavior to make our lives more fulfilling. It is important to value and accept our partners and friends for who they are. It is in our best interest not to spend our energy trying to change them to fit an image of what we believe we need and what they can provide for us.

RELATIONSHIP TALK

Once you have taken the time to realize your realistic expectations, know that over time they may change.  As you evolve as an individual, your expectations may shift.  It is good to check-in with yourself and do this exercise as often as you feel it is necessary.

Is Chemistry in Relationships Important?

You want to feel the initial love sparks and remain deeply in love with your partner, right? Well, that’s what chemistry in relationships is all about.

You may have a list of qualities he should possess, such as honesty, loyalty, sense of humor, warmth, intelligence, and so on. Yet, when you find someone like this, you say… “He’s really a nice person, but there’s just no chemistry!”

Chemistry in relationships is always shown. It shows in a thousand ways! 

You see, having chemistry with your partner means that you have a language of your own. Many times a voice inflection or even a glance says more than a thousand words. You feel a spontaneous connection with each other from the very beginning.

More than love, you also feel respect, admiration, and you like each other a lot.

Couple Embracing

At a deeper level, chemistry in relationships means that both yours and your partner’s unconscious needs are met – either as a team, or through each other’s strengths. You can understand why love makes you go weak in the knees and causes your heart to skip a beat only if you realize that unconsciously, you (just like everyone else) are searching and choosing a life partner who matches you.

Even though throughout history mankind has considered the heart the center of love, all scientists agree: love is all in our brain. It’s true!

At the beginning of a new relationship, chemistry makes your heart race… Fueled by adrenaline-like chemicals like dopamine and phenyl-ethylamine (PEA), you see fireworks exploding, float on air and hear the drums. You feel euphoric, energized, and can talk all night for weeks on end.

But as thrilling as this state is, it only lasts between 6 months to 2 years, until you and your partner commit to your relationship.

Over time, these feelings wear off and eventually, the infatuation stage is over. Don’t be fooled by the initial rush of love – it won’t last forever, no matter how hot the two of you are right now.

You may not realize, but chemistry in relationships is not only responsible for attracting your soul mate initially; when infatuation subsides, a new group of chemicals takes over. Not as exciting and as stressful as PEA, but steadier (and more addictive), this morphine-like opiates make you experience the calm, intimacy, warmth, and the pleasure of shared experiences in your relationship.

The longer you have been together with your partner, the more likely it is that you’ll stay together. Why? In part, because you become addicted to these morphine-like chemicals. It is their absence from your system that makes you yearn for each other when you are apart.

To a great extent, it is the oxytocin (the chemical of hugging and touching), that makes you calmer and more sensitive to the feelings of your partner.

While chemistry in relationships is very important, it is NOT enough. You’re smart. Don’t fall into the sea of people who believe that if they have chemistry with their partner, everything else will automatically fall into place. It won’t.

The two of you still need to sit and discuss about your relationship compatibility: your shared vision, life goals, and priorities. You need to talk about how well your needs are supported by each other – if your relationship is to bring you the spark of long lasting love.

Relationship Talk:

Though chemistry is important in any relationship it requires much more fundamental attributes to enable a relationship to thrive and grow. What are you and your partner doing to ensure the relationship grows even after chemistry fades away?

“But let there be spaces in your togetherness and let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your soul” Khalil Gibran

Healthy Communication in your Relationship



Good communication is a fundamental part of a healthy relationship.  When people stop communicating, they stop relating well, and times of stress and change can really bring out disconnect.  As long as you are communicating you can work through whatever problem you’re facing.

Each of us is a little different in how we best receive information. Some people may respond better to sight, sound or touch.  Your partner’s responses may be different than yours.  Take some time and learn your partner’s cues, and be sure to communicate yours as well.  For example, one person may find a brief massage after a stressful day a loving mode of communication – while another might prefer to talk over a hot cup of tea.

Honest, direct communication is a key part of any relationship. When both people feel comfortable expressing their needs, fears and desires, trust and bonds are strengthened.  Critical to communication are non-verbal cues – body language like eye contact, leaning forward or away, or touching someone’s arm.

For a relationship to work well, each person has to be receptive to sending and receiving non-verbal cues.  Learning to understand this “body language” can help you better understand what your partner is saying.

Conflict is inevitable in relationships, however in order to keep the relationship strong, both people need to feel they’ve been heard.  The goal is not to win but to resolve the conflict with respect and love.

Here are some ways to make sure you are respectfully resolving conflict: 1) Make sure you are fighting fair  2) Don’t attack your partner directly but use “I” statements to communicate how you feel  3) Don’t drag old arguments into the mix 4) Keep the focus on the issue at hand, and respect the other person

Effective Communication is essential and important in relationships.  Put a premium on openness, find ways to be honest, express yourself, and share ideas.  Share your problems, the good and the bad, this will strengthen and deepen communication in the relationship.

Relationship Talk

Commit to spending quality time together on a regular basis. No quality time, and communication and understanding start to erode. Even during busy and high stress times, spending a few moments to share and connect will keep the communication bond strong.  What can you and your loved one do today to communicate more effectively?